baby-momma or no commitment here!

I wonder why young people seem to be incapable of having committed relationships now?  My “nieces” both have had multiple relationships culminating in children born out of wedlock.  They see absolutely nothing wrong socially or morally with it. And I wonder when such a huge change in societal norms changed so dramatically.

When I was growing up, wayyyy back in the age of dinosaurs it seems (the 1950’s and 60’s) out of wedlock children were frowned upon, whispered about; their parents ostracized for such behavior. Now, it seems to be a point of pride for young women to be a “baby-momma”.

My neighbor, a lovely 13 year old was telling me about a youngster in her school, aged 11, that just gave birth to a child.  I was appalled. My neighbor said, “oh, she thought if she had a baby there would always be someone to love her, and she slept with every boy in the class”.  Then I was feeling pain for the child who felt that way. How awful it must be to feel so unloved that one purposefully became pregnant at age 11.

I wondered whatever made this little girl and my nieces think that having multiple relationships was the appropriate thing to do?  When had having children been the way to find love?

Both nieces had their first child before they were 16.  Their mother never said a single word about their promiscuity and welcomed the arrival of “the babies”…which only encouraged the girls to keep up the behavior. They have never committed themselves to a real relationship and have no intentions of doing so. Oh, one got married..she even wore a lovely white gown…and promptly started sleeping around.  Is this a Universal behavior now, I wonder?  Or just an American thing?


13 thoughts on “baby-momma or no commitment here!

  1. This is a thing that worries me too. When and why did monogamy become irrelevant? The ‘when’ seems to be around the 1920s, when WW1 turned people’s lives upside down in the western hemisphere, and the new morality spread through the rest of the world over the next several decades. The ‘why’ I don’t get. Yes, a lot of people have strong sex drives but it used to be that they waited for the right person, time and place. ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ was a fairly universal commandment, no matter what your religion. Though unbelievers were driven underground by fear of social disapproval, the majority actually believed in waiting for their ‘forever’ partners. One cannot condemn the lonely and desperate who seek consolation, but there is a beauty in the coming together of two people who are committed to each other for life. I hope such relationships don’t become extinct in human society. Especially when young people today have so many other kinds of freedom, so much else to live, for while they look for love.

    And if one needs a biological reason to be monogamous: According to Wikipedia, ‘In species where the young are particularly vulnerable and may benefit from protection by both parents, monogamy may be an optimal strategy.’

  2. Perhaps something has been lost in translation. As an educated professional and married mother, I absolutely don’t condone “Middle School Mothers.” That being said, you’re entitled to your opinion and the expression of it, and I’m free to interpret your piece any way I see fit. Sometimes its better to agree to disagree.

  3. I will share my story. At the age of 17, I met my now ex-husband. I was from a small town and he was in the military. I felt like this was my way out, and 6 months after we were engaged, his 2 year old son from a previous marriage came to live with us. After 2 weeks, he was calling me mom. He had no interaction with his real mother as she was out of state. 6 months after he came to live with us, my ex-husband was being shipped out to Iraq, in 2003. I married him, so that I could legally care and make decisions regarding his son while he was gone. We went seven months without hearing much from him. During that time, I was able to utilize the military base for our needs. (Commissary, Banks, Hospitals and such) 6 months after he returned, we were stationed in Fairbanks, Alaska. This was physically as far as I had ever been away from home. While we were there for 2.5 years, my ex-husband was away on training for almost all of it.
    7.5 years into our marriage I got pregnant with my daughter, this is after the doctors told me I would have a one in a million chance for pregnancy. Skip forward 11 years after we met, my ex-husband left me for another woman and sent his son to live with his biological mother, of which he had no relationship. Because I had to rights, I had no say in that matter. My daughter, who is now 8.5 has two siblings 2 and 3 (both surprises). I am living with my fiance’ and have been for 4 years. 6 months ago, my stepson, referenced above, asked if he could come live with me because he was homeless (at the age of 16) and had been kicked out for a year from his moms. “Of course you can!” Now, between his, mine and ours we have 7 (ages from 2 – 20)
    I had it really rough starting out, I didn’t know why I never made it back to my hometown even though I had been prompted to move back after the divorce. I now know that it is because the little 2 year old I met 15 years ago would have no one if I hadn’t stepped up and chose to be his mother. I am blessed far beyond my understanding and each day that passes teaches me about why I went through all the trials I did. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and that is what america great. I am currently looked down on by several members of my own family, but its okay, because my life is full of laughter, happiness, and unconditional love. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
    Side Note: We do have plans to marry one day, but until that day comes, I will continue to hold my head up high. You can not judge a book by its cover and you can’t walk a mile in someone else’s shoes because everyone deals with things differently based on life experiences and religious upbringing.

  4. You all make both fair and valid points. Again, let me state, I believe in marriage before children. However, I’m also sympathetic to the curveballs that life so often throws at us enexpextedly. I don’t believe the majority of today’s generation “just gets pregnant for the sake of getting pregnant with no wish to actually be in a committed relationship.” Most of the single moms I know would prefer to have a committed companion to share their lives and raise their children with.

  5. See, this is precisely the issue I have with the majority of people around my age. No one believes in actually being in a loving relationship anymore it seems. I got lucky though, I found someone I adore who adores me and we started our own family. We were engaged to be married before we even knew we were expecting a new addition to our budding family.

  6. While I understand your from a different generation, I can’t help but take a bit of offense to your tone. Personally, I did everything the “right way.” I graduated college, got married, and then had my child. That being said, I know a wonderful mother who is parenting her children independently. She is not promiscuous and she certainly doesn’t sleep around. She’s a loving, dedicated, and committed mother to her children. I appreciate your opinion but I believe it to be outdated at best.

    • I don’t believe her view to be outdated – if anything, good happy homes with a solid foundation to grow up in should be the goal for anyone who wants to have a family. Without a mother and father figure present, how are they supposed to see what love is? My mom was a single parent because my father couldn’t keep it in his pants, because of his lack of faithfulness, my vision of a loving household was skewed for a long time. Everyone learns in their own way, but children need both role models in their life. Just getting pregnant for the sake of getting pregnant with no wish to actually be in a committed relationship – that isn’t right in my eyes.

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